ineke.co.uk

I got an official warning for humming the theme to Thomas the tank engine whilst at the photocopier…..I had been doing it for around 6 months.

— Chris Youles (@ChrisYoules) October 5, 2021

Gordon Brown became UN special envoy for schoolchildren in July 2012. Whilst still an MP, up to March 2015. Sorry Matt, not sure I believe you. https://t.co/1ksWRSsCPX

— The_Huck #KS4PM 🌹 #GeneralElectionNOW (@Thehuck_59) October 16, 2021

"I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves"

You thought wrong.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) October 16, 2021

I haven’t retired and not a lot of people know that

— Michael Caine (@themichaelcaine) October 16, 2021

It's getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

— Trey (@treydayway) October 16, 2021

Great customer service pic.twitter.com/3ack7jiYUH

— megan (@megharvx) October 15, 2021

Do any of the international versions of Strictly have anyone approaching the bonkers genius of @ClaudiaWinkle ? "Revel-Horwood – don't let me down…"

— Stephen Neal (@Stephen_Neal) October 16, 2021

pic.twitter.com/y9Djfk74fl

— Kevin & Trevor (@KevinandTrevor) October 17, 2021

Today I learned that (at least according to a study in the 90s) 12% of Americans thought Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife.

So if I have to know that, so do y’all.

— Kaitlyn Schiess (@KaitlynSchiess) October 17, 2021

Before 2004, caffeine was banned for Olympic athletes.

In 1972, Mongolian judo competor Bakhaavaa Buidaa was disqualified for having the equivalent of eight espresso's worth of caffeine in his blood.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 17, 2021

No more Emma Thompson in the audience. #Strictly pic.twitter.com/9ZxZiGtEPY

— Debbie (@Deborah_Deborah) October 17, 2021

In a world where you can be anything, be kind. ❤️❤️

IG 📷Longhopedonkeyshelter#sundayvibes #weekend pic.twitter.com/Z6EGu5kvJk

— Paul Dunphy Esquire. 🏳️‍🌈 (@pauldunphy) October 17, 2021

How Mr Miyagi eats his Babybel pic.twitter.com/g5CXhkXObZ

— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) October 17, 2021

How to find Kentucky on the map pic.twitter.com/O1jJQ8IbuG

— Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) October 17, 2021

My Twitter over the last five years: https://t.co/KMk7S8ioAw

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) October 17, 2021

No. This is not worship. This is commercial Christianity and it leads directly away from Jesus. Thanks Tom for putting your head above the parapet on this. https://t.co/I1nheJJzY3

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) October 17, 2021

It’s not often I see something on Facebook that I want to buy, but I’d make an exception for this. pic.twitter.com/9UQmlbFkWy

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 17, 2021

536 years of hurt, never stopped me dreaming pic.twitter.com/HwtVuYrIr6

— Madeline Grant (@Madz_Grant) October 16, 2021

Woman in Tesco put a divider down on the conveyer belt for the man behind her at the checkout. He didn’t say thank you so she picked it up and put it back and, to be honest, that’s the level of pettiness I can absolutely get behind.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 18, 2021

Just in case anyone was wondering, Covid is not fun. Can’t imagine what this would be like if I hadn’t been vaccinated. 😦

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) October 18, 2021

Oh, be reasonable. The friend only came over to test Carrie's eyesight. pic.twitter.com/zqiPcftbgK

— The Poke (@ThePoke) October 18, 2021

Make your phone battery last longer by reading a book.

— Present & Correct (@presentcorrect) October 18, 2021

I’m tall ( 5’4’’)

— Jenny Eclair (@jennyeclair) October 18, 2021

First day back at work tomorrow since today. Wish me luck.

— cluedont (@cluedont) October 18, 2021

My dog started barking wildly at other dogs when she is on the leash. I began to distract her with treats. Now, she barks wildly at other dogs when she’s on the leash then sits down, looks up at me expectantly, proudly awaiting her treat.

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) October 19, 2021

Squid Game, but it's just everybody trying to buy Christmas presents in the UK. pic.twitter.com/t9GwEIofro

— The Poke (@ThePoke) October 19, 2021

If we had compulsory face masks NOW (+ social distancing) and working from home were strongly encouraged NOW, we might not have that "challenging winter" Number 10 are now beginning to trumpet lies around the corner… pic.twitter.com/cKe6bJOM7d

— Edwin Hayward (@edwinhayward) October 19, 2021

Astonishingly poor coverage on websites of the London press about claims Boris and Carrie Johnson broke Covid rules at Christmas. I can’t see it at all on the BBC front page. It’s well covered in Scotland by comparison. Quite literally one rule for BoJo and one for the rest of us

— NeilMackay (@NeilMackay) October 18, 2021

Today’s life challenge: Coming to terms with the new tint of my floor after the dogs pulled a box of six red wine bottles off the worksurface.

— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) October 19, 2021

This is now my default ‘leaving a room’ technique
🕺🏼🦀💃🏼😂 @NadiyaBychkova @MCHammer @bbcstrictly pic.twitter.com/2qJohQ2kH3

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) October 19, 2021

I've never wanted a door more.
The beak is the knocker.
Copenhagen, 1930. pic.twitter.com/g3jsjHFZgP

— Richard Littler (@richard_littler) October 19, 2021

The Queen, 95, has turned down an Oldie of the Year Award, saying you are only as old as you feel and she doesn’t believe she fits the criteria. pic.twitter.com/ynITq1VgS2

— Richard Palmer (@RoyalReporter) October 19, 2021

Well this is awkward. @SkyUK are a "principal partner" of COP26, & promote themselves as being serious about tackling climate change. They're also one of the most committed & prolific advertisers on GB News, & even manage their ad sales for them. This is what they're enabling: https://t.co/Mi3hcaKaNv

— Stop Funding Hate (@StopFundingHate) October 19, 2021

Given the chance to be gracious about someone’s death, or say nothing at all, Trump takes a decidedly different route pic.twitter.com/HMgFAiiRcK

— Maggie Haberman (@maggieNYT) October 19, 2021

‘Autumn’ time in ‘original England’ 🤩 https://t.co/kmFFbQGXGx pic.twitter.com/HguOJASGs8

— City of Doncaster Council (@MyDoncaster) October 19, 2021

This is possibly the worst take I've ever seen on Twitter, and I've been on Twitter for ages https://t.co/skQv6ZRTAQ

— Ed (@Statistitching) October 19, 2021

Quite a few people have mentioned to me the striking similarity between the new BBC Sounds logo and a W1A sketch about a new BBC logo from … 2014!https://t.co/FMLWcKs9Lv pic.twitter.com/aVYRRqURsF

— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) October 19, 2021

Jürgen's energy when telling Paul that making a two-tiered yeast cake is like making a three-tiered apple crumble is exactly how we'd like to respond to all our emails.#GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 19, 2021

If your heart starts beating faster, the heart of your dog will start beating faster too. The longer you have had the dog, the stronger this effect will be.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 19, 2021

Jürgen is too pure for this world. ❤️ #GBBO pic.twitter.com/KdOfJlesKF

— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) October 19, 2021

Sorry to do this again but as long as people talk shit about teachers I’m going to have to. All the teachers I know NEVER STOPPED WORKING. Where schools did close it was because of MASSIVE SPIKES IN VIRUS CASES. https://t.co/nq0IOhXm3h

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) October 19, 2021

Paul standing silently behind the bakers as they panic about their biscuits tells us that he would have made a great exam invigilator in another life.#GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 19, 2021

Dear @englandcricket, is it too late to fly Matt Lucas out for the Cricket World Cup? 🏏 #GBBO @realmattlucas pic.twitter.com/giF8W33Jwf

— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) October 19, 2021

A somewhat dramatic Facebook friend has posted that she wants to run away to live on a dessert island and it’s taking all my willpower not to reply and ask if she’d go on a sundae.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 20, 2021

I see we're in the phase where cases are through the roof and SAGE and experts are calling for extra measures. Hold tight everybody, just a few more months till "well we can all see things in hindsight".

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 19, 2021

Impossible British task:

Pay for a few small items in a shop without first saying “just these, please”

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) October 20, 2021

Twice in 2 days I've been asked to audition for the role of a mom… of someone who is 27.

I myself am 42.

To all casting directors: can you audition women in their 50s/60s for these roles? Or what? Are women that age just not allowed on screen anymore?

— Sara Barron (@sarabarron) October 20, 2021

Brits: Autumn
Americans: Fall
Brits: Autumnal
Americans: Fallal

— Paul Savage (@comedysavage) October 20, 2021

The sentences "This disease remains a threat to our loved ones" and "We're going to have to learn to live with it" should not be in the same speech.

— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) October 20, 2021

He could've put a mask on at the end and walked off. Would have been a powerful moment. But he doesn't seem to carry one. #sajidjavid

— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) October 20, 2021

"We're going to do everything we can" by not doing everything we can.

— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) October 20, 2021

Three years ago today. Still burns. pic.twitter.com/nHxR981SL5

— Dan Schreiber (@Schreiberland) October 20, 2021

Do I enjoy wearing a mask?

Nope.

Will I still continue wearing a mask for the protection of others?

Yep.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 20, 2021

Bae
Holibobs
Chillax
Totes
Amazeballs
Cray
Banter/Bantz
Fam/Famalam
Nom nom
Voddie
Vino
Lolz
Well jel
Coolio
Awks
Methinks
Gawjus
Hun
Tellybox
Hubs/Hubby/Hubster
Wifey
Staycation
Crimbo
Woke
Whevs
Preggers/Preggo
Fur baby
Epic
Simples
Friyay
Mumpreneur
Emosh
Guesstimate
Delish https://t.co/29lsSxG1fy

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 20, 2021

"There are things the public can do. If you are in a crowded place, wear that face mask. It makes a difference, it really does." pic.twitter.com/GPH4KBhYA6

— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) October 20, 2021

Dear the USA,

It's Daniel *Craig*, not Daniel *Cregg*

Yours,

The UK

— Ali Plumb (@AliPlumb) October 20, 2021

Words to fill an awkward silence:

“Great stuff”
“Right”
“Right then”
“Right-o”
“Excellent”
“Okey doke”
“So…”
“I’d better be…”
“Anyway”
“This is fun”
“Nice weather!”
“Tea?”

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) October 21, 2021

Plan A – Everything as it is now
Plan B – Masks again maybe?
Plan C – No Christmas for you
Plan D – Everyone is put in a 'personal space zorb'
Plan E – Relocate Britain to the moon

— Dave (@davechannel) October 21, 2021

Halloween 2019:
Person wearing a scary mask.

Halloween 2021:
Person not wearing a mask. Scary.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 22, 2021

Chrisitan, its not the devil attacking when your dishwasher or boiler stops working. It’s just stopped working. #FirstWorldProblems #firstworldfaith

— Carl Beech (@newnazarite) October 22, 2021

POPPIES ONLY AVAILABLE IN MASK FORM #ProblemSolved

— . (@MCabournSmith) October 22, 2021

Oh just wear a mask you melts, it's not virtue signalling, if it's the most oppressive thing happening to you then you're doing really well tbh

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) October 22, 2021

Saw this yesterday.

Think I’ll give this a pass. pic.twitter.com/Ys0jKt1iE7

— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) October 22, 2021

It's fascinating how much more upset Nicholas is that the Palace didn't give him the full story about the Queen being ill then he is about the Queen being ill. https://t.co/Wm3upZkpq4

— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) October 22, 2021

Legolas has a younger brother called Duplolas.

— WaterstonesTCR (@WaterstonesTCR) October 22, 2021

Dear people on Twitter, just a little reminder. You don’t have to have an opinion. It’s fine to not know or care. All the best. Rob

— Rob Beckett (@robbeckettcomic) October 22, 2021

pic.twitter.com/LfjeTQ0K05

— WholesomeMemes (@WholesomeMeme) October 21, 2021

ok i made this really fast so it’s not very good but these are the small examples i could find in ten mins pic.twitter.com/5kIsrlWDjq

— youngmi mayer (@ymmayer) September 30, 2021

Restaurants that serve meals in an untraditional manner should be legally required to accept untraditional payments. Food arrives on a roofing tile? I'm paying with livestock, hope you have change for a goat.

— Steven (with a ph) (@SJKSalisbury) October 22, 2021

Rylan was great on #HIGNFY tonight.
Let him host it next time.

— IAN HYLAND (@HylandIan) October 22, 2021

Faith Humphrey Hill, US artist and knitter who creates knitted portraits #WomensArt pic.twitter.com/pdiPP35Kyk

— #WOMENSART (@womensart1) October 10, 2021

Why AI is massively overhyped #124:

A couple got fined £60 after a woman with a Knitter tshirt walked in a bus lane, triggering the anpr camera and sending a fine to the couples door. pic.twitter.com/0q4VbWiYmC

— Sebastian David Lees (@sebs_tweets) October 18, 2021

Tesco have the fake asparagus out this morning pic.twitter.com/QokEJGs81W

— Patrick Dalton (@shitlondon) October 22, 2021

If I were a Strictly judge I’m definitely one of the guys who give everything 7 and get a clap, not the catty one who deliberately stays around 4-5 and says he liked ‘the story’ but it was ‘all too stiff’. HUGE if, though.

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) October 23, 2021

My 6-year-old says this amazing AJ & Kai performance “is a bit like the ghosts of a king and a duchess are dancing.” Good luck the judges coming up with a better critique. #Strictly

— Victoria Coren Mitchell (@VictoriaCoren) October 23, 2021